


Her

by TaylorWisemanwishitwasSangster



Category: American Actors, American Singers, Australian Singers, British Singers, british actors
Genre: Accidental Death, F/M, Grief Issues, M/M, Medicinal Drug Addiction, Medicinal Drug Use, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Things Forbidden Because They're Reminders, UNDER REVISION REWRITING PARTS, VERY VERY SLIGHT ACCIDENTAL DOMESTIC ABUSE, anger problems, attempted suicide, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-03-09 16:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3256658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorWisemanwishitwasSangster/pseuds/TaylorWisemanwishitwasSangster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been seventeen years since Thomas' younger sister Taylor died of nine kinds of cancer. Even with his loving husband and sixteen amazing, talented -- if somewhat reckless -- children, he hasn't been able to move on. He's been having problems... and they've been getting harder to fix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Death

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine they all live in the same col-de-sac, and all the couples are married -- Thomas and Josh aren't the only ones with kids -- and the singles live there too. They live in London, and have for years, so the Americans have London accents but still use American terms (fries, trunk, cell phone, etc.)

Thomas was lying on the hospital bed, his sister's head on his chest. He was wearing a dark blue button-up shirt, that red jumper (sweater for Americans) with the brown patches on the elbows, black skinny jeans, and, as always, the gold chain around his neck.

She of course, was wearing a hospital gown, with a beanie Anna had made for her (A/N: i have no idea if Anna Popplewell can knit, and the story will be in third person). It was dark red with the sigils and words of Westeros' houses all over it. Right in the center, above her forehead, was the gray direwolf of House Stark on a white shield, the words  _Winter is Coming_  on a gray banner under it. The words couldn't be more fitting.

The beanie was there to cover her now-bald head. It was bald because of the chemo she had to go through (A/N: i know people who've had cancer -- like five people in my family -- but i never saw the treatment or anything, so I don't really know how it goes) for her nine kinds of cancer.

"Thomas?"

"Hmm?"

"What's it like being a famous actor?"

"Umm... scary. At first. Because at first, you're not really used to it. You don't get a lot of time to get used to it either, because it kind of happens overnight (A/N: again, no idea how it goes). But you don't need to ask me that. You're fourteen. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You're gonna have a whole cabinetful of Oscars. Which will be a whole cabinetful more than me."

"You and Leonardo DiCaprio," she said, making them both laugh. "I'm not really gonna be an actress, am I?"

"Yes you are. You're gonna be great. The whole world will know your name. So will the Daleks and the Vulcans and the Hutts and everyone else in every world."

He could sense her smiling. She shifted a little, they way she would when she was tired and about to go to sleep. Then the heart monitor got slower beeps.

"Taylor?"

A beep maybe every couple seconds. The nurses had come rushing in, pulling him away, out the door, into the hall.

"Taylor!"

Flatline.


	2. Telling Them

It was the final turn. If Bran could cross the finish line first, he and Winterfell would win. Winterfell was a beautiful Gray Arabian. Bran was his seven-year-old jockey who's fourteen year old brothers Robb and Jon had to help him off the horse into his wheelchair because a riding accident a few months ago with his bay horse King's Hand had left him unable to walk. The horse's leg had been broken, so he'd had to be put down. 

Thirty feet away...

Twenty feet...

Ten...

He felt an overwhelming sense of victory as he won.

On the drive home, Bran decided he was perfectly fine with second place. It wasn't his fault Michael Fletcher had passed him by utilizing his blind spot. It wasn't winning he cared about anyway, he just loved riding.

When they got home, Papa decided Bran should pick the film. He picked Mockingjay part 1. As always when they watched it and several other films or TV programs, Papa got teary eyed and told them to turn it off. Depending on what it was, the part of it this happened was different. With Mockingjay part 1, it always happened when they got to the Hanging Tree Song. Papa wasn't his real name of course, they just called him that because that had been the first thing either of the seventeen-year-old twins Mya or Nymeria (they called her Nym) called him. His real name was Thomas. Just as Dad's name was Josh.

Today, as Papa had an audition to go to, Dad watched them.

While Dad was in the kitchen getting a snack so they could finish the movie, thirteen-year-old Daenerys (called Dany) suggested they try to figure out why Papa did that. Why he let them do whatever activites they wanted outside the house and school, but wouldn't let them finish a whole episode of Doctor Who, or Merlin, or others.

"I'll make you a deal," said Dad from the doorway, making them jump; they hadn't noticed him approach, even though fourteen-year-old Margaery (called Marge) was directly facing the door. "If you all stay quiet and sit here for the entire time until Papa comes home, I'll tell you. Alright?"

Of course, they agreed instantly.

So he told them. And he ended up teary-eyed as well. After all, he remembered walking down the hall from the bathroom and seeing Thomas ushered out of her room. He remembered seeing him stand there, watching. Remembered the agonized, wild scream that escaped him when she flatlined. He remembered Thomas backing up, hitting the wall, sliding down and putting his head in his hands. He had walked over and tried to stand him up so it would be easier to console him. He remembered the grieving, wild man in Thomas' body swatting at him and pushing him away. He remembered those few weeks after they got home. Mya and Nymeria who had been born a week before she died were kept in their room. He remembered vividly Thomas shattering the glass cabinets, the wooden table, the glass coffee table, and even the granite countertop with his bare hands, not feeling the pain when the glass cut him and the granite and wood broke his left hand. He remembered Thomas taking a golf club to the walls and doors, tearing down everything he could. They'd had to replace the stairs entirely because Thomas had torn them from the wall with a crowbar and sword (which he had gotten from the Game of Thrones set). They'd had to get plaster to fill in the holes in the walls and had had to replace most of the doors. He remembered Thomas wouldn't even glance at their daughters' room because he was afraid of himself and that he might hurt them.

He remembered after those eight weeks of destruction which the others had given up trying to interrupt because Thomas'd broken Georgie's hand and hit Anna. He'd even threatened Asa with the sword. He remembered how the others had all forgiven him, how Thomas himself had paid for everything to be replaced and insisted Josh choose, how he hadn't cared how much it cost because he felt so guilty. He remembered how during those weeks, the only times Thomas would eat was when he had a stoic expression. How either of them had barely slept (meaning that when it was over, the girls were watched by Asa and Abby for a while because two infants screaming would have kept them awake). How at times Thomas would stop destroying, drop the crowbar, or baseball bat, or golfclub, and just fall to his knees, crying, blaming himself for her death because, while she would've gotten cancer anyway, it was brought on earlier by all the diet soda she drank. Thomas blamed himself for letting her. Sometimes when this happened, he would worsen his already practically shattered hand and dislocated shoulder by punching the wall with his fists and hitting it with his head, pulling at his hair, seemingly trying to tear it out. He'd looked like a madman. Josh had been frightened, but didn't let it get to him.

It only ended when Josh tripped over a hole in the floor and fell into the girls' room, causing them to scream. Thomas had been so worried that Josh had been hurt, that he sobered up and took Josh to the hospital. While had stayed on the couch for a couple weeks with a broken ankle (having told the doctor they were renovating), Thomas had set about cleaning up. As best he could, anyway.

All this he told now. By the end of it, they weren't teary-eyed, not even three-year-old Rickon. They all just hugged him.

They heard the door open and close and Thomas walked in, looking at them with his mouth hanging open.


	3. Consequences

Thomas stood there for a bit, staring then he bust up laughing.

"How did you do that?" He asked Josh.

"Do what?"

"Get them all to get there and stay there. I can't do that for  _meals_. They just take their food and go in their room. Is this a prank?" he asked, looking at Dany and twelve-year-old Jojen.

"Why are you looking at us?" asked Jojen.

"Because when something happens, it's always you two. Which gives me the impression it was either yours or Dany's idea."

Dany feigned offense.

"That, of course, gives me the impression you made a deal with them," he said, looking again at Josh.

"Not with the two of them, with all of them. Except Rickon, I guess, 'cos he's three," he answered.

"What was the deal?"

At this, Josh and all of them hesitated. Dany's guilty look was genuine for once, neither she nor Jojen was sporting a playful grin or smirk.

"Josh?" he asked, now a bit scared. And suspicious.

"I told them."

He looked confused for a second, before the realization hit him.

"Go upstairs," he told the kids, surprisingly calmly.

"Thomas-"

"Don't. Go upstairs. I suggest you all go in one room. Theon's is the biggest. Go."

Slowly, they got up. Theon threw a profusely protesting Bran over his shoulder while Jon took his chair. Sansa carried the nearly asleep Rickon.

"You told them," he said, again, surprisingly calm. That didn't fool Josh, though. That meant that he was so angry he was trying to control himself.

"Thomas-"

"YOU TOLD THEM!!!!" He shouted, making Josh jump. The kids jumped, too, because they had heard him clearly.

"Yes. I told them."

"WHY WOULD YOU-"

"BECAUSE THEY DESERVED TO KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T WATCH SOMETHING, OR LISTEN TO A SONG WITHOUT CRYING! THEY DESERVE TO KNOW WHY YOU LET THEIR SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BROTHER RACE HORSES! THEY DESERVE TO KNOW WHY A NINE-YEAR-OLD IS IN KENDO! OR WHY THE OTHER SEVEN-YEAR-OLD CAN BE DROPPED OFF AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER FOR HOURS AT A TIME WITH NEITHER OF US THERE TO WATCH HIM! I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD KNOW WHY THEIR EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SISTER IS A COMPETITIVE SWIMMER! I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD KNOW WHY THE ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD IS TAKING VERY EXPENSIVE SINGING LESSONS! OR WHY THE REST OF THEM CAN DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT! THEY SHOULD KNOW IT'S BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO! THEY SHOULD KNOW WHY THAT WHEN YOU LOOK AT THEM, ARYA ESPECIALLY, YOU DON'T SEE THEM, YOU SEE HER! I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD KNOW!"

"IT'S BEEN SEVENTEEN YEARS! SHE SAID TELL THEM AT TWENTY! WHEN ALL OF THEM WERE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND!"

"THEY ARE-"

"RICKON CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THERE'S PEOPLE OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME WITH CAMERAS!" On the last word, he brought his fist down on the table, actually breaking it in half, and he clearly didn't feel it. Then he turned around quickly and put the same fist through one of the  _steel_ cabinet doors.

Josh realized he wasn't going to calm down anytime soon, and went up to Theon's room. All of them were in there, that he could see.

"You guys alright?"

"Did Papa just break the table?" asked Dany.

Josh nodded.

 _CRASH_!!!!! came from downstairs making them all jump.

"That sounded like the TV," said Jojen.

More crashes. Sounds of shattering glass. Something being taken to the walls. He was coming upstairs.

 _BOOM_!!!!

"Who's room is across the hall?"

"Mine," said Jon. More doors crashed open. Then a scream.

"Where's Nymeria?"

"In her room," said Sansa (eleven).

Josh walked out, and saw Nym crouching in the corner. Thomas was standing against the wall, sideways.

"Nym?" said Josh, making them both look up. "Go in Theon's room."

She did so very quickly.

"I wasn't going to hurt her. I'd never hurt any of them."

"I'm sure she got that impression."

He chuckled.

"I'm sorry. I lost it. Clearly. I just-"

"Save it. I know. Go downstairs."

He looked at him confused.

"Please, just go."

He did. He sat on the couch. A short while later, Dany came running down the stairs in her white nightdress. He noticed that she didn't have shoes on. She had a suitcase. When she got down the stairs, she didn't have gravity to help her with it, so it was heavy. She fell. Jojen came running with his own bag, and helped her up. Bran came with his bag and grabbed hers. Then came Theon -- who was carrying Rickon -- and Robb -- who had Rickon's bag and his own. Then came Jon tumbling down the stairs.

"You alright?" asked Theon.

"Yeah. I just fell over a hole in the floor."

Then he saw Thomas. And his reaction.

"I'm fine though. A couple of bruises at most."

Then they left.

Once all the kids were out the door, to Asa and Abby's, Robbie and Jack's, Skandar and Georgie's, and so on, Josh turned to face his husband.


	4. Recovery

"You said I scared them. You didn't say, that I frightened them out of their minds."

Josh gave him a confused look.

"Dany came running down in her  _nightdress_! With no shoes on. She didn't even have her board with her (A/N: Dany is a skateboarder)! Joffrey came after her, without his laptop! The one he uses all the time! The laptop he brings to Christmas dinner, to New Year's at Asa and Abby's! That tells he was so afraid that he didn't bother to grab it! You said I scared them! Not that they were so scared they were running out of the house like a demon was chasing them! Like I was a demon!"

Josh sat down next to him.

"They'll be gone as long as they need to be. Please let me help you."

"It won't stop. It'll only get worse and eventually I will hurt all of you."

"You don't-"

"Yes I do." By now Thomas had tears in his eyes and his voice was cracking. Josh put his arms around his husband and rubbed a hand on his back.

Thomas, who face was now buried in his neck, decided he wanted to forget the... bad things. He started sucking on Josh's neck, making him moan.

=============================================================================================================

Thomas woke up with a smile on his face (A/N: the only reason i did that is because i suck at writing smut). Josh wasn't there, but he'd told him last night that maybe one night was as long as they needed.

Thomas had agreed, but thank god lying was his job.

He got dressed and went downstairs into the kitchen. He took out his bottle of anti-depressants, and -- sitting on the floor under the sink -- dumped the contents into his hand.

He contemplating swallowing them now. Or later.

He must have either been sitting there thinking longer than he thought, or he slept in, because just as he was about to raise them to his mouth...

"Papa?" came his thirteen-year-old daughter's voice.

He looked up, and saw Dany standing in the doorway of the kitchen, with Jojen, twelve-year-old Joffrey, nine-year-old Arya, and sixteen-year-old "twins" Loras and Meera behind her. Then Josh walked through the door.

Once Dany actually saw what was in his hand, she gasped and ran over to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest. Somewhere in this, the pills that would have ended his life went flying. Jojen ran to him too. Joff picked up the pills and threw them away.

"You don't need those. You have us." he said.

Then Dany said what he really needed to hear.

"I forgive you." Then he started crying and hugged her back.


	5. Lose One, Four Die

The kids were upstairs -- except for Dany, she and Josh were getting her a new helmet.

Thomas walked into the kitchen, grabbed his pills, and the biggest knife he could find.

=============================================================================================================

Josh walked in just after Dany, but didn't notice where she'd gone until she screamed. Making all the other kids -- the seventeen-year-old "triplets" Mya, Nym, and Viserys (called Vice); Meera and Loras; fifteen-year-old "twins" Theon and Asha; fourteen-year-olds Robb, Jon, and Margaery; twelve-year-olds Jojen and Joffrey; eleven-year-old Sansa; ten-year-old Shireen; nine-year-old Arya; eight-year-old Myrcella; and seven-year-olds Bran and Tommen -- come running down the stairs and from the hall.

In the kitchen, in a pool of his own blood, was Thomas. He had several deep cuts on both of his wrists, and there was an empty bottle of pills near him.

"Go upstairs!" Josh told them.

"The hell with you!" said Mya, running to her father. The other older teens tried to stop the younger ones crying. Dany was in hysterics, screaming and crying and fighting Theon and Vice at the same time.

Josh ran to his husband and cradled him. Mya called an ambulance.

"It's too late. Too much blood." said Thomas, his words slurred and breathing heavy.

"No. You're not dying. You can't. You promised Taylor you'd try."

"I promised Taylor a lot of things. And I did try. Seventeen years I tried. I can't... I just... can't take it. Not anymore."

=============================================================================================================

Thomas was now in hospital. He hadn't regained the consciousness he'd lost in the ambulance. Two days. That's how long he'd been here.

Everyone was here. Asa, Abby, Robbie, Jack, Will, Anna, Toby. Everyone. They were all in the waiting room though. Only Josh, Vice, Mya, and Nym were with Thomas.

Thomas' heartrate slowed. Then it stopped.

When the nurses came rushing in, they pushed them out.

Mya was the one who screamed.

============================================================================================================

One month later, Jojen is at Dany's door. Telling her to come down to dinner. She hasn't left her room since Papa died.

He walks in and sees her on the bed. She facing the wall. He turns her over. Her eyes are still open.

Mya and Vice come running in at his scream.

He's in the corner, crouching. His arms are around his knees and he's shaking back and forth, crying. 

"Get him out" says Vice, closing his little sister's eyes.

Mya tries. She pulls Jojen. He's fighting the whole time, saying he won't go. He yanks his arms out of hers and loses his balance. His head hits the desk.

"Jojen!" yells Vice, running over. The boy's eyes are closed. There's some blood. He has no pulse.

They carry them downstairs, and lay them on the floor.

============================================================================================================

Margaery and Loras are playing with three-year-old Rickon in his second-floor bedroom of their three-story house. Something falls past the window. Margaery goes to see what and screams.

"Bran!"

Loras pulls her away and tries to calm her down while Vice and Dad see if he's alive.

In the hospital, he ODs himself on dilaudid. He fights and fights Vice's, er, vice-like, grip when he blames Dad for Papa and Jojen and Dany dying. Then he has a kind of fit. Then he's still.


	6. Epilogue: Twelve Years Later

Rickon, now fifteen, brings his friend Mariah home.

He tells her that he doesn't remember the people who died, as he was three when it happened. He doesn't even know their names, or that one of them is his Papa. He remembers a red jumper, and a man singing to him.

He remembers silver hair, a skateboard, and a girl's face.

He remembers bright orange hair and music. Always music with this one.

He remembers "Wheelie," the dark haired boy in a wheel chair.

Arya tells them what they really are.

Then she starts coughing. A lot.

"You two better swear to not tell Dad until I next summer, when everyone but me will come back (Arya now being twenty-one and Rickon the only one still living there. They come back every summer because that's when it happened and make sure Dad's alright)."

"Why will you not come back?" asks Rickon.

"I have mesothelioma. Lung cancer. I won't live long enough. Or maybe i will and just die here like four other people."

"Only Dany and Jojen actually died here."

"Whatever, Rickon."


End file.
